A Tale of Two Mary's
by Christy3k
Summary: A random drabble about cannon, Rorschach and all things Mary Sue. Call it a ‘crack’ fic if you like. Rated M for language and gore.


A Tale of Two Mary's:

Summary: A random drabble about cannon, Rorschach and all things Mary Sue. Call it a 'crack' fic if you like. Rated M for language and gore.

Disclaimer: Watchmen…don't own it. Nor do I own Jackie Earle Haley. *I wish* I do however lay claim to Mary Sue and D.M. as they were formed in the dark abyss that is my mind.

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Ch 1

Pre Keen Act Era…Our favorite masked vigilante is on the patrol. He spots a woman being beaten in an ally. He is quick to react with his cat like reflexes. The would-be muggers are caught unaware and he dispatches them in short order. The woman slowly rises to thank her savior.

"I don't know how to thank you"

"None needed"

She is slightly taken aback by the swirling patterns where his face should be.

"I really would like to do something for you. Are you sure there isn't some way I could repay you?"

He shakes his head and turns to walk away.

"Wait; couldn't I at least fix you something to eat? I don't have much but I'm sure I have some beans and stuff."

He hesitated for a moment. It had been several hours since he ate and you can't punish evil on an empty stomach. She smiled and walked past him. "It's just up here." They traveled around corner and up one block before entering an old run down building. He followed her up to the fourth floor and entered her apartment. She went to the kitchen to see what she had to fix. "Please make yourself at home." She absent mindedly set the contents of her cupboard on the counter as she decided what to offer him. He grabbed the box of Sweet Chariot sugar cubes and stuffed a handful in his coat pocket. As he stood there he began to sum up his hostess. He guessed that she was about 5'5" and was dressed in a long sleeved, floor length black dress. Most people would say she was curvy, but Rorschach would just call her fat. Honey colored hair with blond highlights framed her round face and highlighted her blue/green eyes. She paused for a moment and turned to face him. Smiling; she extended her right hand.

"I'm so sorry I forgot to introduce myself, my name is Mary Sue"

At that very moment; splinters flew into the living room as the front door was kicked in. A woman who was appeared to be Mary Sue's twin stood in the doorway. She was warring combat boots with black jeans and a black tee shirt that had a picture of a pink tiara under the caption "self rescuing princess". She had a mean look in her eye and walked toward Mary Sue wielding a machete.

"You keep your hands off my Rory, or so help me I will gut you like a fish."

"Ahhh, come on D.M. can't I have any fun?"

"We have already had this discussion, now come on…out you go."

"I still don't see what one little romance is gonna hurt."

"Yea and I still don't see why they stopped selling Jolt cola; but things are tough all over toots."

"Well I'm not going until you convince me why I can't have a romance; I mean its pre-keen act and everything."

The woman took her right wrist and smacked it to her forehead "Oh, per-keen act. Well that changes everything." Mary smiled and her eyes began to sparkle. "You idiot, it's still not plausible no matter when the story is set. The man has antisocial personality disorder with dissociative tendencies, not to mention he hates women. In layman's terms; he's a total nut job." She turned toward Rorschach who was still trying to figure out what was going on, "no offense". He shrugged in response. "You have got to cut this shit out!"

Mary's bottom lip protrudes slightly "I just don't know what the big deal is. I mean he's an imaginary charter anyway so why not."

D.M. raised her hand to her forehead as she shook her head slowly. She suddenly realized that she had not introduced herself to Rorschach yet.

"Sorry; I'm Dark Mary Sue, but most everyone just calls me D.M. I'd like to apologize for my sister, she's (searching for the right word) special."

Mary's eyes widened and her jaw dropped. "How dare you!"

"No" D.M. quickly interrupted "How dare you Mary. I mean really, you're talking about a man who is described as 'fascinatingly ugly' and whose stench is noted by almost every main charter in the GN. If you were totally honest with yourself you'd see that you have a crush on Jackie Earle Haley the smoking hot actor who played Rorschach in the movie."

Mary placed a hand in her hip in defiance. "Well it's not like I can write about him can I? I mean I don't know anything about him."

D.M. stood there with one hand on her chin looking contemplative. "I'll be right back."

Mary turned her attention back to her guest. "I'm so sorry about that; now where were we?"

The masked man looked up at her and shook his head. "Don't know where you were, but I'm leaving" He took out his journal and began writing furiously.

_Think I ate bad meat at Gunga Dinner, most likely have mad cow. Must investigate further._

At that moment, D.M. walked through the door blocking Rorschach's immediate exit. She was standing next to a thin bald man with a salt and pepper gotee and stunning, traffic stopping; if you stare you might lose your soul blue eyes.

"Sorry about the delay, I had to run to San Antonio. Mary, I'd like you to meet Mr. Haley." She smiled as she motioned toward the man.

He stared at D.M. for a moment and he appeared to be confused. "Um, I'm sorry but I'm confused. Who are you people and how did I get here?"

D.M. smiled and patted him on the shoulder. "Don't worry this is all just a dream."

He looked around the room, still very disoriented. "Ok, so no eating soy ice cream before bed."

D.M. turned her attention to Mary Sue. "See Mary, this is a handsome, athletic, intelligent, talented man. This (gesturing towards Rorschach) is a smelly, violent, mentally disturbed, nearly homeless man."

Mary walked up to Jackie and extended her hand. "My named is Mary Sue; it's so nice to meet you."

He shook her hand, still trying to grasp where he was and why. "Uh yea; Jackie Haley nice to meet you as well."

D.M. placed her hand over her heart. "I saw you in Little Children, and can I just say you were a-ma-zing."

"Thank you; could someone please tell me where the hell I am and how to get back?"

Rorschach walked toward Jackie. "What did you do with little children?"

"Um that was a movie…Little Children…. I was playing a charter that was a pedophile."

Rorschach was still approaching Jackie. "So you make movies too. Not enough to defile children in private; you have to film it and sell it to other filth."

Jackie was obviously getting irritated. "What? God no; I don't make those kinds of movies. I was in a movie where my **charter** was a pedophile that was released from prison and he was trying to reenter society."

"Liberal agenda being pushed though movies. Worse than I thought; they want me to sympathize with pedophile scum. Never compromise!"

Rorschach lunged for Jackie. However, Jackie is a black belt and artfully dodged. Rorschach had lunged with such force and venom that he launched himself out of the doorway and down the stairs. Both Mary Sue and D.M. gasped and ran down the stairs. Mary got to the crumpled heap of a man first and checked for a pulse. D.M. turned to Jackie "We should let her handle it from here. It's a proven fact that 75% of all Rorschach centric Mary Sues are nurses or in the medical profession."

He nodded at her although he was certain he was going to wake up at any moment and even pinched himself a few times to no avail. Mary Sue stood up looked at D.M. and shook her head. D.M. gasped "Holy shit, we totally killed Rorschach. Oh man we are so fucked!" She placed her hands on Jackie's arms "You have to get out of here man. Trust me there are a lot of unpleasant ways to die but being mauled by rabid fan girls is definitely toward the top of that list."

Jackie shrugged "Believe me lady there is nothing I would rather do then get the hell out of here, but how exactly do I do that?"

"Oh right ;( gestures to Mary to check the stairs) you just click your heals together 3 times and repeat 'there's no place like home' 3 times."

He looked skeptical, but this entire experience was so bizarre he figured it made perfect sense.

Mary was walking up the stairs in time to see Jackie standing with his eyes closed saying "there's no place like home" while D.M. was standing against the wall with her hands covering her mouth to prevent her from bursting into historical laughter. Jackie slowly opened his eyes to find that he was in the exact same spot.

"D.M. did you try that whole Wizard of Oz crap on him? That is really dirty. Don't be such a bitch and send the man home already."

D.M. doubles over with laughter and slowly rises. "Ah that is never not going to be funny. (Wipes tears from her eyes) Oh, that's good stuff (sighs). As for me being a bitch, well duh…I'm Dark Mary you dumb shit! All joking aside; we can get Jackie home but we will need a 'machine of the gods'. Lucky for you I have one on speed dial."

There was a flash of blue light and a burst of wind that was gone as suddenly as it came. On the stairway, seeming to materialize from nowhere was a tall blue naked man. There was a look on Jackie's face that can only be described as terror. "Oh wow, oh shit. I have no idea what I did or ate, but this is totally f-ed up."

D.M. turned to Jon and smiled "Jon, would you be so kind."

"I would be happy to return Mr. Haley to San Antonio but you two must stop this, it is becoming ….tedious."

D.M. nodded to Jon "Got that covered."

"I see". Jon turned to Jackie and teleported him back to San Antonio.

Mary turned to her sister and sighed. "He's right you know we really have to stop arguing so much; we are twin sisters after all."

D.M. nodded in agreement "Yea I know; we should get back to your room before the fan girls show. It's gonna be ugly."

Mary turned her back and walked in to the apartment.

"Mary; you do know that I'm not your twin…I'm your doppelganger."

Mary was busy putting the items back into her cupboards. "Uh huh"

D. M. raised her machete and chopped Mary's head clean off her shoulders. Her body dropped to the ground as the blood and excess fluid drained from the corpus and began to pool on the floor. She raised her weapon over her head and shouted "There can be only one."

She left the room and went to check on Rorschach in the hall. Mary was silly to believe that Rorschach could die before his time. Didn't she ever listen to those lectures they were always getting from Jon about time? He had already gotten up and was dusting himself off.

"You ok?"

"Fine, where is that Jackie guy, got something for him."

"Sorry, Jon ported him back home; maybe next time."

He began to head up the stairs as both of them could hear the approach of fan girls.

Mary stopped him briefly "I just want you to know that I would love nothing more than to kiss you passionately, but I won't. I respect the man you were created to be too much to violate you that way. I swear, as God as my witness, I will never let Mary Sue's break cannon again!!!"

Rorschach shrugged, "Whatever". He entered the apartment and saw Mary's remains. "Nice work; see you around whore." He went to the widow and used his grappling hook gun to escape.

Unable to contain herself, D.M. ran to the window and shouted "I love you Rorschach!" She sighed and looked around trying to figure what she should do now. Being around him always made her girly parts tingle; so now she was board and 'frustrated'. Trying to decide the best way to relieve her tension; she suddenly got an idea. She rushed into Mary's room and started combing through her closet. Mary had said this was a pre-keen act fic so she should be able to find what she is looking for. "

"Ah-ha, victory is mine!" She held up the black latex costume that was designed like a one piece bathing suit. The rest of the ensemble was there too including the knee high boots and riding crop. She quickly changed into the outfit and reentered the kitchen. Walking over the body she looked down and sighed. "Ah Mary Sue, you are nothing if not predictable." As she stepped out the window onto the fire escape a smile spread across her lips. "Oh owl boy, she whispered under her breath, I got something for you."

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_A/N: Ok so I know I took some liberties with Rorschach, because I'm sure he would have started beating the tar out of Jackie the minute he heard the word pedophile. Also I imagine he would have left the second D.M. showed up, and naturally he never would have gone to her apt to begin with, but that was part of my point. _

_I have to give credit to/blame HappyEmo666 and Alexander-the-Great 91 for the forum thread Mary Sues and Watchmen, which lead to me writing this little gem at like 5:00am with no sleep. I will say this lead to almost no inhibitions and I was actually surprised at where the story went. It started as a funny way to edu new fan girls about Rorschach/OC romances and I think I took a left turn at Albuquerque. _

_The tee shirt that D.M. is wearing is one of my personal favorites and is available at thinkgeek._


End file.
